narwhals and seahorses

30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-09-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try and do this.
http://www.karialissa.com/search/label/30%20day%20challenge

We Are Who We Are

2011-05-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

    It was a year ago, May 15th, 2010. I decided to try something different. Because I felt like I wasn't going anywhere.
    So, with a friend by my side, I walked into the one place that I never wanted to admit I needed to be the most. Not because of what it was, but because of what I was. At 291 pounds, I needed help. I felt at an end, lost, trapped inside of a body that I didn't want to admit was mine, inside of a mind that couldn't accept that "I am who I am".
    At first, it didn't go well. In the first week I gained 3 pounds. It was then that I realized that I didn't start this journey to prove anything, except that I *can* do this and I *will* do this. Because I am worth it. So with my new found motivation, and a few goals set, I took more steps (and some leaps) into my new journey.
    Now, 52 weeks later, I have lost 72 pounds, gone down 5 (snug) sizes, spent $480 dollars (Weight Watchers is worth every penny), lowered my cholesterol and blood pressure, which lowered my chances for heart disease, and lowered my chances of Type 2 diabetes, but I'm only halfway there. Lately it's been hard for me to wrap my head around these numbers, and realize that I am only half way there. I am proud of myself, at times, I have gained countless irreplaceable things, like confidence and energy and the ability to run without dying, but a year into it, I am struggling with the same challenges that I was faced with before. Mental hunger, wavy motivation, a sweet tooth... and I fear that I will always be faced with these problems. I know it's never going to be easy, but with a good night's sleep, and a strong foundation, it won't be so hard.
   Which brings me to you. Each week in Weight Watchers we tackle a new weakness or setback that gets in the way of succeeding in not giving in or giving up. This last week was our support system. I know that life can get busy, but since I've moved back to Beulah, it's been hard to find support, because it's hard to connect with people you don't see regularly. But my task this week is to ask for the help of my friends, so whether it be prayer, a phone call, an email... it would help me out a lot. It is proven that someone who has a buddy in weight loss, loses twice as much as someone who doesn't. And someone who has the support of friends and family, has a greater motivation. I don't expect everyone to empathize or even accept, I won't even be surprised if someone were to read this and not think anything of it. and that's okay. Because I am not weak. I am who I am. I am ever-changing. I am blessed. I am always going to be me. and I love that.

So bring it on. :)

Ugh, this is kinda embarrassing, but it is also good for me to see. So I thought I'd share.
May 2010    April 2011

Tommy and the High Pilots

2011-04-04T07:58:00.001-07:00

I WANT TO MARRY THIS SONG!

Dull Sull

2011-03-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

I weighed in tonight... I lost 6.6 pounds in one week!! I can't believe it! Since I started Weight Watchers in May of 2010, I've lost 64.2 pounds. My goal by the end of May 2011 is 75.

On the same subject, my mom is letting us preemptively go on my GOAL vacation. Our deal was if I lost 75 pounds in a year, she'd take me to NYC. I am so excited we're going! and my grandma is also going with. We leave April 17th, and then on April 21st, we're taking the train to Washington DC, and staying until April 24th, and flying back from there.

Things I'm excited about with this vacation:

http://www.c21stores.com/location_manhattan.html
So, I'm still not down in sizes enough to fit into most things, but I love this store. and what a great time to buy some goal outfits (outfits to encourage me to stay on track). and SHOES! and PURSES! I just hope and pray I can find something that will fit me, clothingwise. Because there is nothing more discouraging than losing 65 pounds, and *still* not being able to fit into clothing.

http://www.topoftherocknyc.com/
The view from The Top of the Rock (Rockefellar Center) This was one of the few things that we never got to do when we were in NYC in January 2010, and it's one of the reasons that I wanted NYC to be my 75 pound goal destination. I am not 100% sure if we'll do the top of the rock or the top of the empire state building, but I'll be happy with either one!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFcWrMVPo14
MARY POPPINS ON BROADWAY!!!! I was SO sure that we weren't going to see a Broadway show this time in NYC. When we were there before, I got the opportunity to see Hair, and it was SO amazing! My grandma really wanted to see a Broadway show, since she's never been to NYC, and probably will never go again, and this was one of the *cheaper* ones. Which isn't a huge deal, but Wicked, The Lion King, and Jersey Boys were out-of-the-ordinary expensive, and who doesn't like/love Mary Poppins!!

Central Park
This is one of the other things that left a NYC shaped hole in my heart from the time we were there before. We never got to see it, and I wanted to so badly. Unfortunately my mom got pneumonia the last time, and it just didn't work out. I know there's not a TON to do there, but it's a huge park, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONCRETE JUNGLE! Awesome!!

I'll let you know more about our trip later. It's getting late, and I've weirdly been into watching 'The Nanny' on Nick at Nite. laaaame

mexican jumping beans

2011-03-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today I started my first day at The Garden Mill. It's been like....6 years since I've worked there. I absolutely loved working there when I did before, so I hope it's the same this time around. It's been such a weird time since I've moved back to Beulah. It was the easiest transition I've ever made. and I was SO against it... I don't really feel like I lived in St. Paul for 7 months. I don't feel like I've seen or talked to my friends in 2 months. I don't feel like I've taken any time to think about anything in a long time. What's next for me? Why is it so hard to find a job? And by that I mean, why can't I get motivated to really delve into looking for a job? It's like I'm perfectly content with where I am, but I don't think that I should be. Like what's my next big hurdle??? When is it?? I guess my biggest hurdle right now is feeling forgotten. The last time I got a text message was over 2 weeks ago, until today. The last time someone called me to see how I was doing was over 3 weeks ago. and why is it that I always have to be the one who makes the first move? I want to have a friendship and love that is to be wanted. But maybe, at this time, I need to focus on the God that desires me. The one I always put off, 'cause "He'll understand." But then I get wrapped up in where to start and what to say and then I just feel selfish for talking about myself... (. o O)
On a positive note, I'm almost down 60 pounds, and it's nearly killing me, but I'll survive! I went 8 miles tonight, and I'm super tired, but I know the second I close my laptop, take my glasses off, and turn off the light... BOOM! I'll be wide awake!! :)

Also, if Glee were a food, I'd eat it every day.

rocking chair

2009-08-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to write a new song

(incomplete)

I walked down your street last night
in hopes that you would come outside
and stumble blindly on my heart
but when i saw you standing there
your hands entangled in her hair
i fought for breath, then carried out my flight

I ran up your street last night
and prayed that i would become blind
so i would ne'er see that pain again
Huddled in my rocking chair
grasping for more breaths of air
i cried until my eyes were black and blue

and i know, i should let you go
i know, i shoulda let you know
before the show began

(revised)
All of this is emotion
just careless mouth ammunition
a weapon that could kill the faint of heart
You ask how I could be so cruel
But I - will not be your tool
you use to make yourself feel good at night

And I know, i should let you go
i know, i shoulda let you know
before the war began

more later.

now begins solitary confinement.

guacamole bandits

2009-08-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

I need you to leave me alone.

Like right now.

or I might freak out.

songs

2009-03-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

I wrote two new songs....

Snow Angels

In the garden I lay for a while
I pretend that I can see your smile
why do you come and go when I need you
When you don't even know how much I miss you

But you leave everytime
and you never say goodbye
But you leave everytime
and you never say goodbye
I need you by my side
Cause I don't think I can sleep tonight

But tomorrow, I hope you will fly

And my heart is a million little pieces
They shattered when you left, boy what were you thinking?
why would you say that you love me then go?
It's so cold when the garden has this much snow

but you leave everytime
and you never say goodbye
I just want you to stay
no i never thought i'd see you this way

but i do....and i really miss you

but you leave evertime
and i never get to say goodbye
i need you by my side
Cause with you here i never have to hide

mmmm... no i never have to hide

Untitled

It's time we got this situation under control
You don't have to be by yourself to be alone
Cause it takes more than loving someone to make yourself whole
More than loving someone to make yourself whole

The trees that whisper your name have come to search
For the greatest thing that's seen between heaven and earth
I love every part of you that hurts
Oh I love every part of you that hurts

So take these passages and make them run to you
Take what's left of me and show me what to do
This is the last time that I'll wait for you

Now I sit and stare at the shadows on my wall
and wait by my phone for you to call
Oh honey you're my only downfall
OH you are my only downfall

So take these passages and make them run to you
Take what's left of me and show me what to do
This is the last time that I'll wait for you

teapot topiary

2008-10-07T08:02:00.001-07:00

it's so selfish of me to assume that everyone will clean up my mess. i sit with my rosey cheeks, swelled eyes, and puckered mouth in my hands. the smell, with my one sniffling nostril(the other one too angry to function properly), is sweet, sticky, and it burns. it's my age that doesn't match my brain. i put myself with these groups of people that are growing up so fast. they rely on spouses to comfort them when they are in situations of complete stupidity, or they are grown up enough to know how to deal with it properly, or better than running, hiding, and cowering. it's in my moving body, that rocks back and forth as if i were an infant in a mother's arms. i could just melt into a color and splat against the wall, spilling in a downward motion, blending and bleeding with all the others that feel the same way. i sometimes wish i could grow enough hair to wrap my body in, nestled in my dead hair to sleep until i become a beautiful bird. (i'm starting to sound like that crazy one...these thoughts are fueled by childish behaviors, even a 9 year old would look at embarrassingly)
it's not of dark matter that makes me want to be solitaire. happy am i, who can entertain herself for hours, fascinated by animals, trees, rain, yellow, and celebrity gossip magazines(which is all that's been going on in my life as of late). it's my God who i'm failing. taking that time to entertain myself by His beauty, and here i am lying in a bed that is seriously heaven made, and i thank God as if he were handing me a pizza at a restaurant. thanks for feeding me sir, but even the gluttons have to eat. to feel as if i'm a child worthy of getting a space on the refrigerator... i wish i could. God is good, and i'm ADD.

gnat jerky

2008-09-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

i have got the biggest headache that annoyingly radiates between my ears above my eyebrows, and down my neck. and i want to take a bath, but my lazy ass body is putting the kabosh on that shiz. today i painted in class. it was relieving. and then i went to work and had a panic attack because i can barely spare a shilling. i am soooo broke. i need some....something.... plasma donation? i wish, if i didn't get sick after i donate.

things i would do if i had money:
-go on all the art fieldtrips. minneapolis? 70 dollars, no problem. 300 dollar photo guild trip to chicago? i'm there.

-record my music the right way, with proper equip, not just my macbook pro.

-get more art supplies. intro to painting is painstakingly expensive, fo'ryl.

-get a gym membership. i seriously need to dovetail my body and the treadmill. no jokes.

-buy a crapload of movies. and tv series. and music.

-travel to the cities to see of montreal in october.... i mean skeriosly? i can't even afford toilet paper and milk. that show ain't happenin'.

-go to NYC and see my cuz. like she's the best. and i need to be there, pronto.

i'm sure i could come up with better things... like trips to different countries or a new car or home or whatever... but this is all i can think about right now.

panda boom

2008-09-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

today i sat and watched my tv on mute for about 3 hours.

i just laid there in bed, in my towel after bathing, and stared at the mute tv. the only sounds i hear is the soft zzzzzjjjjjjj-ing of my fan, and distant passing locomotives.... now the sound of my keyboard as i write this, God only knows why.

my one wall is green, a green that is hard to explain. it has different looks. through the bone colored curtains, daylight makes my walls look olive-y. pure daylight makes them look green apple-y. and darkness voids most hues of green all together... and yet i find myself staring at that endlessly too.

perhaps the dumbest thing i've done is expected myself to be nicer than i actually am able to be. selflessness is truly unachievable. the word should not even exist for human form. only for biblical christlike form should that word exist. it's something i strive to be, selfless, and my self-prophetic self can not even grasp it. and that's truly a shame. to want to be something good and better, and not even being able to grasp it. it seems unfair. to live life wanting more from yourself and never being able to become it. perhas my tv just wants to be heard, well that will come true, once i gain more energy to get up and turn the volume on... and maybe my green wall wants to be orange, which won't ever happen while i live here. poor wall....